Is Lack of Boundaries Keeping You from Reaching Goals And Changing Your Habits?

Many things may be holding us back from reaching our goals and changing our habits; fears, beliefs, circumstances, self-sabotage, but one that I rarely hear mentioned is boundaries. When writing a series on obstacles in habit change, I initially hesitated with adding this one to the list. Still, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that so many of us have a difficult time with boundaries and don’t readily recognize that it is an obstacle. Not being able to lay boundaries with others or even with ourselves can lead to emotional distress, loss of independence, and depleted self-esteem. In the workplace, it can lead to burnout, anger, and resentment. We must set boundaries to meet our goals and grow. Is lack of boundaries holding you back from healthy habit change and goal-reaching?

Are you a "yes" person? Do you have a hard time saying no, even when you know that what you’re saying yes to is not aligned with your goals, schedule, or personal beliefs? For example, you know you’re spread thin in your schedule, and someone asks for a favor in helping them out for a few weeks with a special project. You like this person and really want to help, but it will cause you to fall behind in your own work. Not to mention add more to your already overbooked agenda.  You say yes anyway, and your own work ends up taking a back seat with this newly added responsibility. You end up stressed out, burned out, and resentful. As difficult as it might seem, we must learn to say “no” when appropriate.

Setting boundaries can help us make positive changes in our lives, such as better habits, a healthier lifestyle, personal growth, or even in the professional arena. Perhaps you feel as though you will make someone feel bad, guilty or that the other party will be upset with you, and you’re not so keen on conflict.

Lack Of Boundary Examples

Maybe your neighbor stops by and brings over baked goods regularly. You have kids and like to keep the sugar at a minimum and try to provide a healthier diet for you and your family. Maybe your husband is always picking up free items and keeps bringing them home, and he thinks he’s doing something great, but you’re trying to declutter the house. These are all examples of the lack of boundaries that need to be put into place. It doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate the efforts or the thought. It’s still okay to show gratitude, even when you've set boundaries.

There may be more extreme things you need to address in your life that requires setting boundaries, but the point is, if we do not lay down the law of our own wellbeing, there is no way anyone has any idea what the laws are. If you don’t speak up, the situation will not change. You just become upset when the thing happens and causes unhealthy stress.

Setting Boundaries for Ourselves

The hardest boundaries to recognize are the ones that we need to set for ourselves. This can have a close relationship with self-sabotaging behaviors that we may have. Maybe you are working on better dietary habits, and you end up saying to yourself, “well, I’ve done pretty darn good for 2 days, I am going to treat myself to a cheat day”. Now, don’t get me wrong, we all deserve to treat ourselves, but if we did this every 2 days, we really wouldn’t get far in reaching the more healthy diet goal.  Maybe you need to set a boundary that on the same day every week, we have one thing that you may be missing, but the boundary is set that all other days, we stay on our healthy eating pathway.

Are you attempting to change habits to reach the goals that you've set? Boundaries need to be in place,. Especially if we are making changes because if we continue the same patterns that we have now, we will not be successful. How we do one thing is often how we do other things. So if you can’t set boundaries with others, it becomes almost impossible to set boundaries for yourself so that you are successful in developing and sticking to the new patterns and habits you are trying to create for yourself. 

Why We Don't Set Boundaries

What are some reasons we don’t set boundaries? We may feel selfish or perhaps guilty. If you grew up not having too many boundaries, this task might be difficult for you. Conversely, it can also be difficult for you if you had boundaries that were not flexible. When boundaries are so rigid, you may have developed the belief that if you don’t have boundaries, you can be there more for people when they need you. A reframe in this way of thinking would be; instead, know, that we can be there for the people who need us, as a better version of ourselves, when we care for our own needs.

Now, when we set boundaries with others, we need to keep in mind that we are not responsible for the other person's reaction. You are responsible and in control of your boundaries, and others are in control of theirs. But you’re not in control of the reaction that others might have, and that’s ok. If you don’t set the boundary, the other person doesn’t know how you feel, which can create resentment. AHHH, communication. It is such a lost art. We humans expect that others should know what we want.

Make Boundaries Clear

But unless you make it clear, how would they necessarily know? We all have our own perspectives, beliefs, and visions of how we see and interpret things around us. What you may deem as obvious may not be viewed that way from the other party and vise versa. How will the other person feel about that? Well, you've taken responsibility on your part. You’ve set the boundary. It is now in their ballpark to feel the way they feel. Their reaction is not a reflection of you. It’s on them.

We often feel like we might upset someone if we say no or set a boundary. Someone very close to me gets very anxious to tell others how she feels and what she wants. She feels they may feel a certain way about her or talk badly of her.  I often tell her, what other people think of you is none of your business. Take care of yourself. We can still be kind and giving without being a “doormat” for others. People, even those closest to you, will know what they can and can’t get away with.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is a must for personal growth and habit change. Give yourself the same compassion and kindness that you show others. Your needs are just as important. Whether there are personal boundaries you may need to set for yourself or an outside boundary with others, we all have something in our life that is not serving our wellbeing. Could setting a boundary somewhere in your life be the answer to moving forward with habit change and goal-reaching?

Do you lack boundaries? I would love to talk about goals for your well-being. You can book a FREE discovery call here to explore how to reach yours!